[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
This probably isn’t good