Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
let’s discuss
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!