[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*jingles half the way*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector