I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced