Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 馃槓
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It鈥檚 somebody鈥檚 birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can鈥檛 argue with that
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn鈥檛 care
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If you like pi帽a coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this pi帽a colada / It was caught in the rain
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I鈥檓 sorry.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore