when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
work smarter, not harder
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore