Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
dictator is short for richard potato
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
crazy