ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Y’all ready for this
👾👾👾
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
it is time once again