-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Autocarrot sucks!
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.