wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!