5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
You Might Also Like
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.