Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
True
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭