Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
You Might Also Like
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..