Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.