I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Your secret is safeish with me
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then