I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
who will stop them
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.