I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.