“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Woke up against my better judgement again
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT