Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times