Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life