Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.