“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
You Might Also Like
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If my Roomba don鈥檛 like you, I don鈥檛 like you.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
People with grown children keep telling me that I鈥檒l miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn鈥檛 invite her*
Me: I鈥檓 late, I鈥檓 late for a very important date!
Date: 馃檪
Fig: 馃檨
Prune: bro, lol
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don鈥檛 like, and back with the co-workers you don鈥檛 like
HER: Take a shower with me. 馃槉
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 馃槉[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.