HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
meanwhile over on facebook
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: