It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
2022 will be better than 2021
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold