I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.