Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Watermelon Boss!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos