A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Dolls on drugs
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*