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Iâve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now Iâm seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
âď¸ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
đĽ FULL SKETCH HERE:
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears Iâve missed 738 birthdays because I havenât been on for over 2 years đł
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Iâd forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said âoh yeah I forgot about himâ. She has no clue how funny this is.
Your house doesnât have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Iâm glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I donât want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*speaking to my neighbor whom I havenât seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
changed my bio on bumble to âIâm gonna murder ur whole familyâ and guys still responded
(team meeting)
boss: iâve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach toâŚexcuse me but whatâs with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeahâŚsince we dropped the mask mandate, itâs difficult to remember that my face isnât covered.
boss:
Guys, if she says âwell thatâs entirely up to youâ… it really isnât.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?â
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.â
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?