Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
lmao
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.