Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY