when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Ah..makes sense now
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch