Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The “baby” on the left….
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.