My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
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me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots