People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
this has to be peak English
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk