me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Its a hippotatomus
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”