If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi