People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*