this chia pet tastes awful
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*