“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.