“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Cause of death: Zumba
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.