Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.