What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me, too, girl. me, too.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents