Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.