Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Probably my best painting.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: