How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.