Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?