My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No