When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
#parenting
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Cha-ching is my safe word
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
HR said no more nunchucks.
screw you
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”