When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
You Might Also Like
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too