Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Not messing around
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?